


Phantom Beefs

by Nugg



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Burger AU rises again, Burger is a sand which please I can’t think of anything else, Humor, M/M, One Shot, long live the burger... king, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-02 23:39:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16797013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nugg/pseuds/Nugg
Summary: “Get me,” He drawled, almost too dramatically for someone dressed as he was, “The Big Bang Burger Challenge.”Ryuji blinked, glancing to his left, “Wha-“The clock turned exactly 4am.“I’m not joking.”





	Phantom Beefs

**Author's Note:**

> This is not betad because I am lazy and really can’t be bothered to do much of anything as of late
> 
> Burger Au, the famous AU of the Pegoryu discord

He swept the lobby more times that he’d bothered to count. Emptied all the grease traps out  _ hours ago,  _ and for all the times he’d checked in the past three hours, every trash can in the joint had fresh bags inside. 

_ Ryuji didn’t even like cleaning _ . This was an all time low for him, a new level of boredom he never would’ve thought possible. The clock just above the register seeming to slow every time he so much as  _ looked  _ in its direction. 

Working third shift sure as hell didn’t seem so boring at first when the paycheck was offered. Extra money, shining in all its glory, all a ruse to get some innocent newbie on midnights. The hours nobody ever wanted.

His phone was no use. All the games drained his battery, and it seemed like every time he so much as picked it up, another drunk group of kids wandered inside and began their slurred orders. 

He’d finished his work every single night he’d come in, which was saying something for a kid who never touched a school book back in high school. The grease bubbling, and the music from the dining room blending together for some god awful study tunes. 

This was the time of night where Ryuji decided rip the ends off of the straw wrappers. Passing the time for a good 20 minutes by aggressively blowing into the straws, and making the wrapper a projectile. 

It was a sad hobby. But, aye, anything helped at this point in the draining job. He was gonna be a winner, even if it was some lame competition with himself of all things. 

Tonight, he was going to pass his record of ten footsteps back from the garbage can.

Balancing the straw between his teeth, he was prepared. Gathering all the energy 4am could grant him, and channeling his competitiveness from his track days, Ryuji sucked in. 

At the ready, making sure the aim was right, gaze narrowed to the bin. Feet planted ever so perfectly, the life or death of beating his score as a pathetic trophy. Just the right amount of air, he puffed and- 

-The door chimed just beyond the counter, Ryuji immediately stopped in his tracks. Straw still in his lips as the wrapper lazily floated down to the dirty kitchen floor, it was like time began to move  _ even slower.  _ Fumbling quickly to toss the failed attempt in the trash, and make it to the counter in time, he prayed the customer wouldn’t have noticed. 

And,  _ oh boy _ , he was pretty sure they didn’t. 

Usually, he’d get some pretty rowdy teenagers at this point at night. Reeking of alcohol, wandering around the dining room mumbling an order. Giggling in little groups and acting like idiots, all at Ryujis expense. 

The guy in front of him, was, to say the very least,  _ new.  _ Even if his sweats, ratted up hair, and dead look in his eyes screamed ‘worn out,’ this was definitely… different. 

He pushed a crumpled up wad of money towards Ryuji, the blond holding his breath like it was some horror movie. Glancing at the clock and practically screeching inside wondering how the hell a minute hadn’t even passed yet.

“Get me,” He drawled, almost too dramatically for someone dressed as he was, “The Big Bang Burger Challenge.”

Ryuji blinked, glancing to his left, “Wha-“ 

The clock turned exactly 4am.

“I’m not joking.”

Eyes flicking down to the money, and back up to the guy in front of him, Ryuji choked out a small laugh. Swallowing his fears, and flashing a cautious smile towards the stranger. 

“I don’t need this yet,” he pushed the wad of cash back at him, “We hafta see if you’ve got the guts to finish it, man.” 

The tired eyes behind those thick frames became more visible when he’d realized his mistake. Opening just wide enough for Ryuji to question his sanity because-

_ Oh no _ . 

Maybe it was just his late night deliriousness, but this dude. This  _ dude  _ who stood in front of him, looking like he just got hit by a bus, was unreasonably attractive. All that hair tangled atop his head, and the recognizable coffee stain on his hoodie, just made Ryuji even  _ more  _ confused as to why he’d thought this bum was good-looking. 

Reaching below, and grabbing a cup, he’d somehow managed to blindly hand it to him, “It’s- it’s ah, gonna take me a hot second to make, so…”

Slowly grabbing the cup, and ever so slightly retreating, he’d shuffled away, leaving Ryuji to actually do his job for once. Having to dig around in the back for the big-ass bun he was supposed to use for it. Really, he couldn’t remember the last time anyone had ever attempted the dumb thing.

And, when he’d finally managed to get a patty on the grill, his gaze fell upon the stranger. Now spread out in a booth, papers everywhere, frazzled expression present. If it weren’t for it being extremely rude, Ryuji would’ve broken the 4am ice between the two and joked about it. 

He understood how hard his own school work could be. Yeah, it wasn’t ‘Big Bang Burger meltdown in the middle of the night’ hard, but everyone dealt with their troubles differently. 

The burger itself was bigger than Ryuji's head, and the stupid shit he had to say with it was longer than Ryuji's patience could handle. 

“Thank you,” he announced, standing almost too awkwardly for his own good next to the guy. Catching the concentrated look from his homework, and the sudden determination in his features, Ryuji could’ve choked on air if he’d tried to say anything but his lines, “... For taking the Big Bang Burger Challenge.” 

Watching carefully as he set the burger down, he waited for the strange guy to falter. To catch some normal sort of panic in seeing such a large burger… he felt all the more conflicted upon spotting eagerness in his eyes, “Your starting rank will be Third Mate… assumin’ this is your first time?” 

Setting down his pencil, he nodded, continuing on his odd staring contest with the burger. And still sending all the wrong signals to Ryujis brain. Like,  _ why?  _ What is possessing this dude to do this, and  _ why  _ does he still seem attractive for being this nuts? 

“Thus, your aim will be,” he gestured down towards the plate, and the guy followed his movements, “the Comet Burger.” 

Taking a deep breath, he tried his best to sound as joyful as 4am could make him, “This Burger is as voluminous as a… uh…” 

He looked to the ceiling for answers, feeling the cool gaze of the other on him, “Oh!”

“As voluminous as a comet burning in the sky!” He’d need to give himself a pat on the back later on for how enthusiastically he waved his hands at the end.

A small bout of clapping brought him back to the situation at hand, and he couldn’t help but to grin at it, “It ain’t gonna be easy, but should ya conquer this shit-  _ oh- er _ -“

He coughed on his words. Swallowing back any negativity he had for the stupid thing, and forcing out a nervous laugh at his vulgarness. A small chuckle from the guy made him feel a tiny bit better, because, hey,  _ it’s 4am,  _ he was bound to slip up at some point. 

Watching the quirk in the others brow, Ryuji moved the thoughts of what his manager would do with him for swearing to a customer, to the back of his mind, “ _ Challenge-  _ you’ll be rewarded with an extravagant prize.” 

Looking back to the clock, he just about fell over. Only fifteen minutes had gone by since the guy had even set foot in the restaurant. Like this place had its own torturous power to manipulate time, and make it go even slower with the most grueling tasks.

“Your thirty minutes,” he’d cringed at the thought of  _ more  _ time, “Starts now.”

And. 

Well, so much for the dramatic pause. 

As anticlimactic as anticlimactic could possibly get, he looked straight down at the burger. Flicking immediately back to Ryuji, before picking it up with both hands. 

He didn’t really know if he should be disgusted or scared of the eye contact he made when he made an attempt at a ‘big’ bite. 

And as if it was a cue, and as if Ryuji hadn’t already checked out for the night, he slowly backed away. Retreating behind the counter, and rushing to the back like he was escaping hellfire because-

_ Holy shit who the hell was this guy?  _

He’d taken this job to ease the load on his mom. Part time, enough for him to split rent, to make it all easier. And, for the most part, it had been a breeze, he hadn’t had any huge problems.

But this guy. He was an exception to that. 

Especially when all that confidence went down the drain, and he completely failed the challenge. 

Despite everything he caused, all the excessiveness, and excitement that he’d brought to the restaurant at four in the morning. He couldn’t do it. 

It sat, not even half eaten. The guy, slumped back into the booth when Ryuji reluctantly called out the end, looked even more dead. Something he really didn’t think could be possible.

For all the strange shit he’d done, it all came to an end that, for some  _ idiotic  _ reason, felt depressing, and upsetting. Because, god damnit, even if he was weird, Ryuji was still rooting for him. 

Shuffling up to the counter, look of defeat mixed with ketchup smeared on his face. He nudged his wad of money towards Ryuji with ultimate sorrow in his movements. The floor had apparently seemed more interesting than to make eye contact with him again. 

It was almost five by the time he’d gathered up everything and made his way to the door. Sulking more than when he’d walked in, for some strange reason, Ryuji had felt sympathy for him. Like there’d been a great loss, a war was forfeited. Sour mood hanging in the air. All because,  _ he couldn’t finish a freakin’ burger.  _

__ Truly, all the excitement left when the door chimed, and he disappeared into the night. 

God help him when two nights later, he’d got the sickening feeling when he’d heard the familiar sound of a customer entering. 

Doing a few problems of his school work in the back, he was almost afraid to go to the counter. Like, if the dude was there again, what would he say? Would he get jumbled up? Would he look even unfairly cute again, and would Ryuji have to suffer for it? 

Like it did anything to help, he held his breath in his journey to the front register, “Hello, and welcome to Big Bang Burger.” 

All the air seemed to fall flat onto the ground, the guy, now dawning fuzzy pyjama pants and a hoodie, stood. That familiar deadness in his face, wasn’t a good look for how pretty his lashes were, framing the smoky grey of his eyes, like, a raging forest fire was something beautiful. Those flames were filled with eagerness to scorch anything that crossed it. Even at 4am. And, even if a burger was what dared to challenge that fire.

“Hello.” He lazily greeted, looking at the menu above like he didn’t know  _ exactly  _ what he wanted.

“I’ll take the Big Bang Burger Challenge.” 

Ryuji bit into his bottom lip, nodding at the order. Something wonderful occurred upon looking up to spot the shit eating grin the dude wore. His heart did somersaults with how  _ wonderful  _ happy had looked on the guy. Making it a goal somewhere deep inside him to see that smile as much as he possibly could. 

As he recalled, falling for a cute crazy person was never part of the job description. But, maybe he wouldn’t be too upset if he didn’t get a raise for this torture. 

He could hardly even get words out normally, so, what where his chances? Hands working below him to find a cup, trying hard not to look the guy straight in his eyes. 

“Coming right up,” he shook his head with an uncontrollable grin, a small laugh going well with the smug look he was getting from beyond the counter. 

Deja vu was hitting him hardcore when he’d rounded the corner with the heavy thing on a tray. Seeing the papers surrounding the guy, and flashing back to the strangeness of the previous day, Ryuji wondered what the hell the guy did on his free time. 

Because, if he was in school, when the hell did he get any sleep? Why did he think coming to Big Bang Burger and shoving mountains of meat into his face would be a good idea? Especially when somewhere in his head, he thought doing his work in the middle of an eating challenge would help.

“Thank you for taking the Big Bang Burger Challenge.” He cleared his throat, place so quiet, it seemed he was announcing it to the empty restaurant. Startling the guy from his papers, to look at Ryuji, glasses skewed on his face. 

“Your starting rank will be Third Mate.” He had a flashback to the look of defeat from the other day, and decided to skip the whole, ‘if you hadn’t done it before,’ part. 

Placing it in front of him, the same eyes from before had watched and followed every move. Ryuji finding it extremely hard to not at least attempt a peek at them, remembering just how pretty they were from the other night. 

They both made  _ extremely  _ strange eye contact following this thought, and his dumb attempt to get a glimpse. Ryuji going completely still, fear couldn’t even start to describe what he’d felt in that moment. It was him, some guy who looked like he hadn’t seen sunlight in three years, and a big ole burger between them. 

Almost stumbling back, he retreated to his former position, grimacing at all his awkwardness, “Thus, your aim will be, the Comet Burger.” 

Save time for his dramatic words, and extravagant hand gestures, he could say everything was going smoothly.

“This Burger is as voluminous as a comet, burning in the sky!” He’d looked to the ceiling to match his wild hand movements. Proudly putting them down when the stranger followed him, both boys looking at the bland, stained, white tiles above like there was something worth staring at up there.

“It isn’t gonna be easy,” he tried to mimick what he’d been taught, head bowed a bit, “But should you conquer this challenge...” 

At least he didn’t swear this time. 

“You’ll be rewarded with an extravagant prize!” 

Giving a thumbs up, the guy readied himself. Sitting up straight, and staring down the burger like he was going into an intense battle. Trying a hand at intimidating his opponent.

Whether it mattered that the opponent in this situation was a  _ burger,  _ Ryuji wasn’t quite sure. Catching the time behind him, he faced the challenger, “Your thirty minutes starts… now!” 

He had faith that the guy could do it. The second time was better, he knew what he was up against, and he didn’t look entirely deceased at the moment. 

Ten minutes had passed by faster than he’d expected. Dropping his pencil from his secret homework spot behind the fridges, and slinking in, he was impressed. The guy was actually halfway through the thing, and had a lot of time left.

Checking his phone, and deciding his plans for the next day, his boring work routine seemed to comply with the weird dude in the dining room. He was still able to arrange everything, make sure he’d have enough transit time, all that jazz. Even if he had to constantly look at the clock, he was doing pretty good for it being so late. 

Everything seemed peachy.

Until Ryuji peeked around the corner ten minutes later. 

Had he ever seen someone use a burger as a pillow? No. Was there a first time for everything? Yes.

There he lay. Slumped over the table, face comfortably pressed into the bun, audibly snoring. And with his arms hanging lazily over the tables edge, he looked surprisingly peaceful. 

Ryuji slowly made his way around the counter again. Standing idly at his side, almost scared to wake him, like reaching out would cost him a hand or something. He watched the rise and fall of the guys chest  _ just to make sure  _ he was actually alive, and didn’t die from a burger induced heart attack. 

He kicked his foot. 

The world slowed again. And Ryuji sucked in all the air his lungs could possibly manage. 

The stranger shot up. 

Gasping loudly, and sending Ryuji flying backwards in fear. The shriek that came from his mouth was something he quite didn’t know he had in him. Actually catching his bearings, and realizing he sat on the ground now, heaving. 

Wildly looking down at him, the guy widened his eyes. Just now understanding what had happened when he whipped out his wrist and read the time. 

Clutching at the fabric on his chest, Ryuji had to now make sure  _ he  _ was breathing. Heart aggressively thumping, ass hurting from the apparent fall he’d had. 

Again, there was eye contact. Silence surrounding them as two frantic pairs met wordlessly. 

Everything came in focus to the fast food worker who sat on the ground. Squinting at the other, before finally noticing the lettuce weaved into his hair, and the pickle stuck to his glasses.

At 4am. 

In Big Bang Burger. 

Ryuji Sakamoto, and some weirdo, laughed hysterically. For twenty. Straight. Minutes. 

Things after that, got way more interesting after that night. 

Because,  _ he kept coming back.  _

__ It wasn’t like Ryuji had anything better to do anyway. Nobody came in that late, he wasn’t harming anyone (except maybe himself? All those burgers definitely didn’t sit well.) 

The sixth night was when he finally said something. Bringing him the usual Big Bang Burger Challenge, and setting it in front of him, he recalled all the other times the dude readied himself. Because, for coming so many times, he would’ve thought the third attempt would be the time he actually conquered it. Or the fourth… or the fifth… 

But! There he stood. Preparing his scripted lines, “Thank you for taking the Big Bang Burger Challenge.”

“Your starting rank will be Third Mate.”

He sighed. Words at a halt for a moment as he  _ really  _ assessed where his life was going in that moment, “Thus, your aim will be, the Comet Burger.” 

Ryuji closed his eyes into the awful pain of reciting the stupid sayings, “This Burger-“

Without so much as a glance up, the guy interrupted him. Glued to his work, foot tapping away below the table, “-Is as voluminous as a comet-“

“Burning...in the... sky….” The worker struggled with what was just handed towards him. Finishing the lines, and letting his mouth hang open at the nonchalant interruption he’d just received.

“Dude.” 

Before he stupidly decided to take the spot directly in front of him, Ryuji wondered when he should put his two weeks notice in. Sliding in the booth like it was nothing to him. Like there wasn’t going to be some weird confrontation.

He placed both hands on the tabletop, leaning over the burger as he got closer to the strange dude. Patient, as he slowly set his pencil down, cautious with every move he made. Eyes peeking through his overly long,  _ too attractive,  _ bangs as he looked straight up at Ryuji.

It was like one of those Western cowboy movie stand offs. Deserted area, nobody but the two in sight, silence encasing the land. A nearby hawk screeching in the distance. (Except, the hawk was the dishwasher kicking on in the back.)

Ryuji narrowed his eyes. And the stranger flashed a devilish grin, one that could knock out the faint of heart. Just  _ waiting  _ for someone to speak first, no pistols drawn. The anticipation more present than anything else in the world.

Tensions high, the barren landscape had caused both their mouths to become unbelievably dry. The standoff was taking an uncomfortable amount of time, and it was well known.

Someone wasn’t getting out of this alive.

Or, you know,  _ not.  _ Because, they were in a fast food restaurant. At 4am. And the only Western thing in the area, could be a stray plastic bag to act as a tumbleweed.

“What the hell do you keep coming in here for?” Ryuji finally said, watching the smile fade all too quickly off his face. 

As if he hadn’t already made it clear, he gestured towards the burger between them. Preparing to speak. 

“No-“ he cut him off, “I know you want to do the stupid challenge. But, like,  _ for what reason?  _ And  _ why _ at 4am!?” 

More silence couldn’t have been less annoying in that moment. The guy closing his mouth to search for the right words as Ryuji sat impatiently. 

The clock hit 4:30, “Oh.” 

Blinking hard like everything just asked of him was somehow shocking, he sat back, “I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d really notice-“ 

“Dude!” Ryuji practically yelled, “How the ‘eff did you not think any of this was freakin’ weird!” 

He shrugged defensively, “I don’t know! I’m stressed out okay!” 

The school work spread out around him was so valid excuse to the worker, he couldn’t help but to roll his eyes at the motion to the papers. His somewhat desperate expression was  _ really  _ making all of this more difficult. 

“Listen. I get stressed about school and stuff too. But it’s not this level-“ Ryuji grabbed a paper, eyeing it to see what exactly caused all this shit.

It was signed Akira Kurusu. Beautiful penmanship for something written so frantically 

It was also, the same work Ryuji was entirely familiar with. 

_ Because it was the same class he was in-  _ “Oh my freakin’ god, man.”

He knew he was dense, but it was never ‘your classmate who sits by you is coming in to your job every night at 4am to cram both his notes, and his mouth, and you didn’t notice,’ kind of dense. 

Really it couldn’t be his fault! The dude normally all dressy and sleek, which is a far cry from the sweatpants and sleepwear he normally showed up in. He also didn’t wear glasses in their lectures, which kind of made Ryuji confused, but all the more disappointed in himself for being so dense. He was blind to what was right in front of him, and maybe  _ he  _ was the one who needed glasses. 

“You’re… you’re in my class, aren’t you?” He planted his elbows on the table, covering his eyes in shame. 

Akira- his  _ classmate _ \- who he was on a  _ first name basis with _ , raised a brow, “I- I thought it was known? You,” his expression changed to match his bafflement, slumping back into his seat, “You were my partner a while ago on that one-“ 

“I know! I know!” Ryuji cut him off again, lowering his head to the table, hands finding their way to grip at what hair he had, “I’m not good at a lot things okay! And, recognizing people… is one of those things.” 

They both sat for a moment. 

The clock had turned to 5am. 

Ryuji looked down at the cold burger between them, wondering how a half an hour had passed already. 

“For real though! What the hell kinda metabolism do you have to eat all this crap!” He suddenly burst out, shoulders hunched up in question. 

He shrugged, “It’s a personal goal of mine.” 

“What, to die of a food induced heart attack?” Ryuji shot back. 

“To… get that prize.” 

Ryuji closed his mouth. Thinking  _ real  _ hard about all the moments he could’ve slapped some sense into him. 

No amount of obliviousness could take away the fact that the two most attractive people he knew were actually one person. And, that in fact, he wasn’t the only dumb person in the vicinity. 

“Do you,” he paused to search for the right words, fist to his mouth, “Do you know what the prize is, Akira?” 

“Uhm- well I  _ heard  _ it was-“

“It’s a stuffed toy.” 

“Okay but-“ 

“A stuffed toy that talks.” 

He pursed his lips, “I don’t know, that still sounds pretty cool to me.” 

Ryuji arched a brow, “It’s a stuffed toy, that only says food puns. Do you really want that?” 

Looking down into his lap, he sighed, “It may be  _ cheesy _ but-“

Picking up a napkin, Ryuji chucked it at Akira’s face before he could even finish his god awful joke. Both watching it bounce off his shoulder and fall to the ground in silence. 

Now, Ryuji could take back his deja vu statement from earlier, and place it here. The hysterical laughing that erupted from the two mimicking from all that time ago. 

“When do you get off, Ryuji?” Akira, still giggling, had asked. 

For someone who he thought was weird and completely out of his mind, he sure could make Ryuji flustered. Small laughs fading away as he processed what might be behind that question. 

“Uhm-“ he looked behind him, “‘Bout a half an hour, why?” 

Maybe working at the shitty restaurant wasn’t so bad. Staring at someone he never would’ve thought he could meet in this dump, he couldn’t hold his dopey grin. Hoping he wasn’t already being a put-off in a newly formed friendship.

Akira checked his phone before looking back to Ryuji, “Let's go out to eat together when you’re done.” 

Right then, his heart flipped, and would probably go on to win the Olympics if he kept struggling with just about everything. 

The strange dude that came in every night to munch on a gigantic burger, had asked him to hang out. And, he wasn’t  _ all  _ as weird as Ryuji expected, watching the nice smile across him, waiting for an answer. 

The clock hit 5:20am. 

Ryuji's heart continued doing gymnastics. 

Akira sat patiently. 

And, everything fell into place. Because, for some odd reason, this whole situation turned out amazing. 

Ryuji wheezed.

“Holy shit, _yes?”_


End file.
